I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
