just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
