apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
