I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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