Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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