You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
My penis needs a shock collar
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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