despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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