I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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