if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
