I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
