The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
