oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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