The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
