My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
