I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
