even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
