I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
