shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
