I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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