you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
