I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
