Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
