he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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