The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
