saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Randomize
