guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
