I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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