watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
