So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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