i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I have tasted many bathrooms
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
