season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
