There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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