Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
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