dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
