so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
