if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
