listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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