I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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