can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
