I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
