I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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