I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
