pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
