First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
