We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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