i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
