Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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