This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
