you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
