dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
