He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
